“Many times he had tried unsuccessfully to let go his hold on her. They had many fine times together, fine talks between the loves of the white nights, but always when he turned away from her into himself he left her holding Nothing in her hands and staring at it, calling it many names, but knowing it was only the hope that he would come back soon.”

– F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night

He writes so beautifully.

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I read through my 2011 journal entries last night. I will not pretend and say that I felt like I was looking into the journal of a completely different person. Doubtless though, it was from a vantage point that I read through these words scribbled in the lonely hours of the night; I was detached. Yet I could still recognise myself in there, still feel an echo of the emotions that emanated from the words. Emotions that overwhelmed me once.

So while part of me wanted to laugh at how silly I was – the part that was removed, isolated by time and recovery – another part of me was shocked as I was reminded how broken I was, how melancholy; it was still a very real part of my life that occurred not too long ago after all.

I talked to you about it but I am not sure if you understood the pain that I referred to, much less the emotions that revisiting the past had brought out. Nonetheless, it felt nice to have you talk me through it. And I am thankful for that.

More importantly though, I saw in this His wonderful saving grace that He poured out on me. 2011 really is not that long ago. And for me to have risen from that without much help from others is truly amazing. I never really realised the extent of change I had undergone in these two years till now and it is indeed a testament of His love. If He could save me from that, what can’t He do?

“For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead.” – Psalm 86:13

Aside

New Beginnings

Things are changing in my life. I can feel it; like one feels the dry winter air begin to tingle with life even before the first flower blooms. The changes came slowly, then all at once, then still more. And yet I still cannot really say what it is that is changing, except a general mood, a weather of the soul. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, something important and marked. Yet I can only catch fleeting glimpses of what it is, and even then, only bits and pieces, as though it is a jigsaw that is falling into place by His hand.

And yes, this too, is one of the many things that seem to be beginning anew in my life – something that I have realised well after the act. So I guess it is apt that somehow this has happened which could have been considered pretty unlikely to have happened; so apt that it is almost surprising that I have done this with my own hand unawares, realising my role in instigating even more change only after the deed.

Well in any case, whatever this is all leading to, my heart is calm and my faith is steady.

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