Dedicated to Ryan

Hi Ryan. So I heard you read my blog “religiously”, as Nicole put it.

I will be honest, I had really mixed reactions about this. On one hand I was flattered. All this time I only imagine like 2 people reading my blog consistently. So I guess yes the childish attention-seeking part of me was a little flattered by such patronage.

On the other hand I found that I was just a little unsettled. (Don’t worry Ryan, it isn’t personal.) At the time I couldn’t really pin it down, but now I think I have a clearer idea. I believe that it is because when I write (indeed, when everyone writes, I think), I do it with a certain audience in mind, skewing it according to their expectations and how much I am willing to reveal to them. After jumping ship to wordpress I felt like my imagined audience shrunk considerably, freeing me to write more liberally and uninhibitedly. However now I feel like suddenly anyone could be reading and it is momentarily shaking. Shaking because I suddenly felt the need to censor more of what I write, But omentarily because I realise I am probably overthinking this and it is likely no one else reads my blog.

On a not entirely separate note, I realise that I have a special view of those whom I know read and understand and perhaps even like what I write. I feel like I have a shared esoteric kind of knowledge with them that is unspoken yet mutually known. A silent understanding, if you will. I haven’t thought long enough about this to put it fluently in words.

All said however, I don’t mind you reading at all, Ryan. Please continue (: It motivates me to write to know that people read.

Btw, please check out Ryan’s www.mercurochrome.tumblr.com! A great blog.

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