Soon.

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As much as I spurn such gratuitous displays and gestures, especially from the SAF, I must admit the number one uniform does give some feels. And I do suppose that this parade makes our ORD slightly special. Whether or not it is worth the trouble… let’s wait to find out.

 

Soon, soon.

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Brunei

I haven’t yet posted about Brunei.

 

To be honest, there isn’t much to say. All things considered, it wasn’t that bad a trip. The time passed rather quickly, especially the first week. Even outfield wasn’t terrible (admittedly, those instances can only be called “outfield” in a very limited sense, but still). The isolation was expectedly good for much needed introspection and reflection, and unexpectedly not lonely. A lot of things were revealed to me over there. Moreover, the increased interaction with my peers, colleagues, and subordinates was surprisingly welcome, which is slightly ironic, taking place now after a whole year when I am about to part ways with all of them. The few conversations I had with others about my faith and about the Bible was another silver lining. It is amazing how God chooses the weirdest places to do His work and show His faithfulness.

 

My return was rather anti-climactic. I didn’t really feel any different and it was pretty odd to think that it is already late November. Indeed, it does seem like my birthday is suddenly upon me when I haven’t been thinking about it at all. I do realise this post is pretty dull, but as I said, there’s nothing much to say. And besides, certain developments that I did not foresee have dampen my spirits this morning (last night?), and sleep did not comfort me much.

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Fallen Crumbs

An excerpt from the story entitled Fallen Crumbs that I mostly wrote in Brunei, recently polished and typed out:

 

“Her words continued, mere sounds which faded into air as soon as they were spoken, unheard over the shattering of that thin veneer of boldness. He managed a nod, his eyes averted from her almond gaze. He took a breath, but it was barely a gasp. His heart felt like it was being crushed by a dark, heavy weight. How foolish he had been! What had he been hoping for? The slate to be wiped clean? His guilt to be absolved? Indeed, yet here’s a spot – some things cannot be washed away. He remembered suddenly how her porcelain hands had trembled in his. Oh, how easily one can deceive oneself.

 

They walked now, in silence. He felt the meeting coming to an end, felt the load of those long years falling about his heart like a thick noxious fog, strangling and wrenching it like a noose, bring him back to those dark lonesome nights when he had lay in his bed gasping till sleep took him in its sweet embrace. A final rehearsed declaration rose in his throat; a last ditch effort to dispel the shadows, a glimmer of hope that could perhaps break through the fog just enough to allow him to breathe freely.”

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A shadow has fallen upon my heart. I feel despair creeping, and faith failing. What a state to start my birthday in. I feel so foolish to have these feelings, so immature and so melodramatic. But I cannot help it. I cannot.

 

And I resent that.

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Brunei

So I am leaving in about 7 hours for Brunei. Yes, I am ORDing in less than a month. Yes, Brunei is horrible. Yes, all of this is pretty shitty for me. But I guess I am over that. I have to be, no? Besides, I was reminded today that God’s plans are perfect, and that He has a purpose for me. I have been viewing this for so long as just something to get over with that I never really paused to think why He wants me there. And I suppose even beginning to think of it that way already brings a peace over my heart. Besides, I actually honestly think it might just be a little fun. A little. Maybe that’s self-delusion or healthy optimism. Or maybe it is true. 3 weeks will fly past.

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